Counting Your Blessings
I have been hesitating to write this one. Truthfully, I meant for it to follow Honoring Difference, but I was busy and didn't feel like I really wanted to say much beyond the obvious.
However, I was reminded of this recently. That just because I think something is obvious, does not mean that it actually is obvious. Not everyone has the facility to be out here just thinking 25/8 and people be having kids, businesses, etc to run.
All of that to say, we're going to build a bridge and get the hell over it so I'm writing it now. We're going to one shot this.
So the reason I meant for it to follow Honoring Difference is simple. People following their specific path means that their blessings can, and usually will, look different from those around them. And sometimes it's really hard to accept and be thankful when your blessings don't come the way you see other's come in, or when they're not exactly what you wanted or thought you needed. Sometimes they're completely disguised.
Allow me to tell you a story from the later category.
Once upon a time, I was an aspiring cosmetic chemist. I had high flying dreams to be studying in France then Italy for my Master's degree.
Obviously that did not happen. I was "fine" then I broke from holding it all.
Rigorous studies, failing mental health, financial concerns, infirm (if at all) support... it was all too much. I called into my college therapist's office, telling her that I was truly not doing well and I needed help. It fell on one of the worst days possible, an organic chemistry exam day. I knew that if I walked into that room, I would be much worse off. She told me to come in to sit with her and she would reach out to some colleagues because that department was particularly uncaring towards their students. I sat in her office, feeling numb but still somehow having more than enough tears to spare, while she sorted as much out as possible. She asked me if my roommate was home, I didn't know my roommate well enough to put her in that position but I managed to get out that she would be in within the hour. I just told her that I was tired, so damn tired. She frowned, but told me to go straight home, don't stop anywhere, straight home and go to bed. I did, and she called around for me. I spoke to some people, even falling asleep while waiting for help. I had an email to tell my professor that I would not be in and if I could reschedule my exam as I wasn't well enough to sit for it. The answer? Maybe I should consider dropping the class.
I did him one better, I dropped the college. I just didn't want to deal with it, especially learning that the department is just Like That. It's not like my passion went anywhere, I just chose self-preservation. Besides, it's not like that professor really taught anything, I was explicitly told that they would disappear for grant writing season and that was "normal" for research professors. I said this to a different research professor in a different field and she, bless her, looked at me like I was insane and told me no, that wasn't normal at all. I would later learn that a common issue with research universities is that they force people who otherwise would not be teaching to research and that's what the (surface) problem was.
Either way, story time over.
How the hell did I reframe that?
I look at what I learned. What else I would not have acquired if that had not have happened.
And that's what I mean by reframing. That experience sucked hard but I got a lot out of it.
- Not everyone necessarily cares about you. I wouldn't say that I necessarily needed to learn this one but I did need a reminder from time to time.
- There was more support available to me than I realized. The proof was right there, there were people looking out for me and moving in my best interest.
- Out of that I got my diagnoses for me to begin medication and get me in front of a psychiatric nurse practitioner and get tested for ADHD (which... yeah, probably should have noticed that but whatever, life is just like that sometimes).
- Because of this, I graduated on time. If I had graduated according to my plan, I would have had my master's effectively canceled and scrambling to find work somewhere... if not actually in France when COVID kicked off, which would have been it's own nightmare.
- I started an earnest study of plants, their properties and making medicine from that... some internal and others external.
- I had time to become a more confident practitioner and start serving the community that supported me in the first place.
That terrible period and needing to recalibrate proved a certain level of resilience on my part and a lot of care from my spirits. It opened a lot of doors for me. I wouldn't have been working in a lab with such high mentorship, which allowed me to get a well paying job, which allowed me time and resources to even develop my relationship with plants and their ways of working. That job also allowed me to pay for my initiations and some additional courses to honor the way my ancestors walked.
Plainly, I would not be doing much of what I'm doing now and while not in the formal, established path, I still learned what I wanted to learn. It also clarified what I wanted out of my studies that would not have been satisfied by the formal education I was aiming for.
I learned more about my people and what they did medicinally, what spirits they kept around and actually got to practice it.
Admittedly, it is so much easier to look at it on the other side and say "yeah, that was probably for the best".
So again, what do we do in the moment?
I like to start with a big deep breath and a low, under my breath chant to remind myself that bad times don't last always. I may or may not pair this with a gratefulness exercise. This is where I literally count my blessings, current and past, big or small. I remind myself of what I'm meant to be doing. I think about the last kind thing done for me, or just the good people I have in my life.
In the context of the story I just told, I didn't feel it then but I suddenly knew just how much I meant to other people around me, I could see how angry they became on my behalf. Each and every one was a blessing.
I saw several new paths forward that I was meant to take. Again, blessings, even at times difficult to see, all of them.
I know that I had way more blessings than pain from that professor telling me what he did. I don't think he thought I would drop the whole department but hey, consequences. Either way, sometimes I have moments of realization that I find a way to be more thankful for the radical diversion from my original path. When I find another, I add it to my little list and even if I can't find it within me to be thankful then, it has been counted and measured so that I can when I have the space.
Alternatively, if I'm up to it, I may note some specific phrases like "at least I'm not".
I tend to feel bad about these since I should not be comparing and definitely not in such a wildly negative way. I am slowly but surely moving away from "should (not)" phrasing, it's a form of cognitive distortion that forces a rigid and usually binary perception. There's too much variation in the world for that kind of thought process and I want my language to reflect that.
So instead of leaving it at that, I aim to turn that into a positive phrase to support me in that moment. Maybe I said "At least I'm not hungry," I might turn it into "I appreciate that I'm well fed."
But that is always if I'm up to it as I do not care much for disingenuous gratitude Though, if that helps get you into being genuinely so, do that. Everyone is different.
Regardless of the way I choose to count my blessings, I always find something to laugh at for a while. I have a problem with scrolling incessantly so once I hit enough laughter, I stop and think about what I learned from the circumstances. Think about what I'm working towards. What would it mean for me to "have my ducks in a row"? How do I get there again? What were me original plans, could any of that be salvaged? Is any of it even obtainable from where I am now?
Then count it a blessing that I even have the ability, time, or energy to think of such things.
Until next time!
Blessings,
From the Lemon Trees