Honoring Difference
They say that your experience of the world is unique to you. You could be standing right next to me, looking at the same sunset and not see the exact same color.
If we could be looking at the exact same thing and still not experience the same thing, how could you ever expect your life to line up just like mine?
Remembering this is to remember difference.
With that comes remembering that comparison is the thief joy. Most people when they compare, they're actually just using someone else as a measuring stick, or as a cheap boost of pride. Ultimately, it does not honor the ways in which you are difference from that person.
Let's say there are 8 letters: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.
You and your friend start at A, progressing through B easily but you get tripped up at C, while your friend continues. All this means is that area was still relatively easy for your friend, not that you're less than they are. Eventually, they trip up at F but you breeze right through. You, in your struggles with B, learned a lesson that proved valuable when encountering F but your friend did not because they did not need to learn that lesson right then.
Despite going through the same thing, you have managed to find your own mountains and valleys. Different people have different responses and some do better than others in certain areas.
Accepting and respecting these things are exactly what it means to honor your differences.
When it's difficult
Jealousy and envy suck. They're very human emotions, but they're one of the suckier parts of being human. Everyone gets a little jealous every once in a while. There's not a single person on the planet that has never experienced it. You're not alone in this moment.
There are lots of ways that you can react to jealousy.
You can sit in it, you can try to get it for yourself, you can steal from others... you can do a lot in response.
The first thing to do is to take a step back, sit with it and not in it.
Ask yourself some questions:
- What does it feel like?
- Why are you feeling it?
- Most people don't want an exact copy of someone else's life, so what do you specifically want for yourself?
- Are you desiring acknowledgement? Admiration? Freedom? Power? Money? Joy? Strength? Prestige?
- What do you want?
- If you were to have it, what does it look like when you have it?
- Would it look the same on you as it does on that person?
- Does it fit in your life as you know it? Does it fit in your ideal life?
- Is that a part of your path? Can it be emulated (not copy, emulate)?
- Are you willing to do that work? If so, what is that work?
When I feel it, it feels like preoccupation but my mind is empty. I'm not thinking anything. I know why it happens, it's a protective mechanism. Jealousy leads to evil eye and I like the people around me; it would not be fair to them. Second to that, I tend to avoid what makes me upset.
However, the body knows. It remembers. It demands that I confront what irritates me if I plan to relax my shoulders. So I do. I acknowledge that at the core of things, I wish I were as good at an activity as my friend is. I want it to feel natural and easy. I know it looks simple for them but it's not so for me. Why can't it be simple? It fits, I know it fits because I have been tasked to do it but ideally, I could do this with my eyes closed, not that they ever do it with their eyes closed. I can do this, I can ask my questions, get a functional list of instructions and decide what I can, cannot, will or will not do as part of the activity. I know they do it differently but I cannot manage that at that level. Small steps, a place to start.
Even in the simple (frustrating) difference of not being great at this particular thing, I still love that my friend is good at this thing and has activities that they love so dearly that they could see themselves doing it for work. It feels good to see others have goodness in their life.
Does it sadden me that I'll likely never get to be that good at it? Sure, but I never really wanted the level of involvement it takes to do all of what they can do, all of what makes them great at what they do. Part of what makes them damn fine at their work is that they can sit for long periods of time. That is a difference I must honor in my body, I cannot tolerate it but they can. Perhaps my place in that world is limited but that's ok if it comes with severe pain.
I can experience such polar opposite emotions at once because I have accepted that this is not a path I was meant to travel for too long. It's not an innate failure on my part. Where I am blessed is just not there, it is elsewhere.
And when I forget that, I remind myself that I would never tell my friend that they're a failure because they couldn't perform at my level on a highly complex task in an area where they're a beginner, so why am I treating myself with less kindness?
In the roots
There are many ways you can bring yourself back to center.
One popular way is to journaling, just getting it all out there so it's not bubbling and festering inside you.
Another way is to either allow your eyes to unfocus or close them. Breathe in slowly, for a count of four seconds. Hold for seven seconds. Exhale for eight seconds. Observe the thoughts that occur but refrain from letting them 'stick'. It's fine if it lingers but avoid focusing in on it. Pause, see how you feel mentally, emotionally, and physically. Repeat as you feel necessary. Keep it in your tool box for when you need a little help being mindful of your sentiments and emotions.
Naturally, as a conjurer, sometimes I turn to Spirit to help me. My preferred method is a spiritual bath and drinking some as tea, if possible. This particular one mostly settles me back into myself.
Ingredients: Borage flower, hyssop, holy basil, basil, chamomile, tobacco and honeysuckle
I reduce these down to something that's safe for me. I like borage, basil and chamomile but do what is safe and comfortable for you, which may mean skipping the tea all together and drinking a cup of warm water in its stead.
While I grind these all together, I pray, thanking my spirits for walking with me, thanking them for trusting me with this work, thanking, thanking, thanking. I reaffirm who I am and where I am in that moment, praying for release from the trap; reaffirming that my path is my own to walk. I am not meant to walk someone else's path, I have my own things that are uniquely my own. I am me and I am committed to being me. Give me the strength to be the person I need to be, that I am growing into. Support me in finding my own place in this big world.
I say anything and everything I need in that moment then reiterate as I mix them into the water.
Blessings,
From the Lemon Trees