When Spirit Says Leave

This was one of my favorite songs, it carried me through as much as it needed to and it has a special place in my heart.

It's the song I think of whenever I need encouragement to do a difficult thing, especially when the thing we are asked to do should be easy. It's a safe space for the transitional spaces I know so well.

And those transitional spaces always come with growth that's as soft as railroad spikes.

I remember sitting in the late night with my friend, speaking about another, non-mutual friend and they said simply, "you have until June." I knew that they meant my ancestors were telling them that I had until June to figure out to officially end it. I still asked to confirm, you know, just to be sure.

I didn't want to lose my friend over "nothing".

Realistically, the beginning of the end of my friendship had long since come. I was struggling under the weight of their problems. I felt personally responsible for them, their life. At times, I was the last thing between that moment and their continued existence here. I wondered sometimes how long it would be until I noticed if something had happened, they always did like leaving for long periods of time.

At the time, I had just learned the art of no longer struggling under the weight of what others wanted from me. Then I needed to learn not to struggle under the weight of what I knew others needed, but not necessarily from me. I needed to learn that I cannot want more for anyone else than they want for themselves at the expense of my own mental and physical well-being.

I was setting myself on fire to keep them warm, when warm would not last if I ceased to exist. I was sacrificing myself as a temporary balm when what they need was so much more than any one person could provide.

I sang a lot that year. A lot of this song. A lot of Stranger in My House too.

That conversation with my friend was such a critical point, recounting everything that's happened, even prior to that year, even down to my tendency towards being able to make extremely apt jokes like "yeah, I'll go. I'll just be the emotional support person." Oh, Lemon, don't you ever just listen to yourself? Does it even count as a joke if it's more truth than humor?

Nonetheless, I learned. We can psychoanalyze my jokes later.

In that, I learned a lot about personal warning signs, but also a lot about self-trust and self-worth.

In self-trust, I allowed external factors to dictate whether or not I would 'pass' certain behaviors even though I knew I was not okay with them. They were unwell, just like I was... it's ok, right? They didn't really have to gaslight me, I did the bulk of the work for them. Eventually, I had to put my foot down and remind myself that the "outsider opinion" is ultimately meaningless to my lived experience. No, it was unacceptable and, yes, I mean it.

That was my first step towards self-worth. As soon as I started trusting my experience of the world and not bending to other perspectives, things fell into place. It was a lot easier to see the things I needed to, even if I couldn't explain it. I wasn't supported in the ways that I needed and was always playing captain-support-a-hoe. I, myself, was not ok and my friend had been worsening it for a while.  I was worn out from all of it. I had two options. Save me or them.

I chose me, just as my ancestors directed me to so many moons ago. I left the weird mentally and emotionally abusive friendship. I saved me.

I decided then that I would never choose someone who did not treat me well, one who I never felt safe with. Or if I did, I was packing it up and removing myself as soon as possible. I will not settle for less. I know there's more than this and I DO deserve better.

It's one of those terribly hard lessons. It might take once, twice, a third, maybe even a twenty-seventh and three-sevenths time to get it down pat. That's okay. It's a process. Take a deep breath, hug yourself and remind yourself that you're trying. Then do it again until you can say, "I did it." Remember, you deserve better.

Repeat it again and again, whenever your sense of self-trust and self-worth are tested.

You deserve better.

Blessings,

From the Lemon Trees