Who are you? And who hurt you?

They say the thing that you hate most in other people is what you hate in yourself. A sort of protection, being able to avoid confronting the things we don't like about ourselves.

Because when you do...

When you do, it means to look at all the ways we were repressed, especially as we were coming into ourselves. You don't just decide not to like yourself. Something happened and it takes looking at these instances with a critical eye to determine what exactly happened.

Some are obvious cultural elements: little boys needing to repress being emotional, and must not cry, be manly and angry; little girls need to be well-kempt, seen and not heard, and polite and gentle; etc.

I'm sure you could come up with more that force some form of expectation that has very little to do with being a good person and ultimately boil down to "you are not accepted as you are" or "you are not enough as you are."

"You're not enough, you'll never be enough. Cant get anything right. Nothing matters but me."

It's all just so goddamn uncomfortable, especially when having to recognize that you live in a constant state of negative self-talk.

However, for our many discomforts, it doesnt mean we don't do the hard work. It just means it's hard and may take longer to do because it is hard, and is also attempting, in some way, to rewrite how we think of ourselves.

Questions I have asked myself include:

What are you most proud of and why?

What are you hiding from yourself about yourself?

What are you ashamed of? Embarrassed of?

In what ways do you express judgment towards and why?

If you were to identify what frightens you most, what is it? What enlivens you the most? Why?

Can you pinpoint where it started?

How did you get to be how you are right now?

Which relationships nourish you and which ones drain you? What is the difference between these?

Where do you feel the most misunderstood? The most vulnerable? The most understood?

Do you try to avoid particular emotions? Which ones? Why?

Are there emotions you cling to or try to linger in? Which are those? Why?

What do you lie to yourself about to get you through the day?

Who's voice is your voice of criticism?

How do you preserve your sense of self?

What do you do to help get through your day?

What part of you needed acceptance? And who would you be if you had gotten it?

And there are so many, many, (sigh) many more that you could ask.

This isn't to take a critical eye to everything you've ever lived through in a negative light. It's to begin to answer questions about yourself, to really dig in and discover what your pain points are and why. To be able to look and maybe even have a dialogue regarding these points (maybe just a monologue), to begin identifying what is. One day you'll get to the the is not.

I do not claim this to be the only path to healing but I find it to be direct enough to avoid evasion and it's pretty fast once you open up to acknowledgement of your life.

Now that said, if you have a problem even reading these questions, let alone asking and getting the answer, I recommend a therapist.

Not because something is "wrong" with you. It's simply that you need more support, and there is no shame in that. I admit that I needed help and I DID see a therapist regularly for around two years and on and off again for a bit after that. Not over this specific set of questions but they did naturally come up to confront the issues in my childhood that actually kinda messed my foundations up and again as part of my spiritwork.

The most self-empowering thing you can do for yourself is to search for the help you need, and the acceptance of that help.

Bonus Round!!!

I got some random channeling from lavendar and rose while I was trying to get all of this out. I will do my best to explain further.

Don't let your fear of being caught stop you from taking a break from running from yourself.

That, I admit, sounds insane of course if you're being chased, you shouldn't stop running - right? In real life, yeah, probably lol. But not here. Running disables your ability to critically engage, what exactly are you running away from? Is it worth being on the run perpetually?

Take a break, kick your feet up and sit with us for a moment. Relax your cheeks, both of sets. Release those glutes and your jaws. One long, deep breath. Great. 

Fix your senses on one thing. Is it red? Soft? Crunchy?

What are your senses saying to you?

If you're choosing to keep running, nobody here can or will stop you, but don't forget to check in with yourself.

Okay, off you go. Keep running.

We'll see you next time.

Oh also, pick your hobbies back up.

Blessings,

From the Lemon Trees